Save Me
by unnamedconspirator
Summary: Still reeling from Lexie's death and the consequences of the plane crash, Meredith's past comes back to haunt her. Now things she buried for sixteen years require much more than courage to face. Can the strength of her newly formed family with Derek and Zola be enough to Save Her? Or will the past threaten that too? Season 9 AU-ish.
1. She has a Feeling

**A/N:** I'm still working on A Fight to Remember... And all my other stories. Am I crazy to entice my readers with another all-encompassing suspenseful fic.? Well, if you're crazy enough to be my fan... then I guess here's another one. Sorry!

Takes place between after the plane crash. Some season nine elements.

 **Enjoy!**

She has a feeling.

The fine hairs on her spine prickle, and Meredith feels tense. _First day jitters,_ she assumes, shrugging. It's her first day back since the plane crash. Her first day as an attending.

It's nothing. It's fine. It'll pass.

"Page..." she checks the chart for the name of the assigned intern. "Wilson. I need those lab results." She says to the clerk.

Her phone buzzes and she's grateful. She slips her hand around it and checks her notifications. A message from Derek. _Pasta or steak and potatoes?_ It reads and she smirks. He's planning dinner apparently.

 _Pasta_ **and** _steak?_ she texts back.

 _Hmm,_ comes his reply

Meredith snorts. _Lol. As long as there's wine. :)_

She puts the phone in her pocket, ignoring his response for the moment. But as soon as she lets it go, the feeling returns. She shakes her head and blows out a sigh. Seriously. If Mr. Steinam's tumor is benign... there's nothing to worry about. And if it's not... it's nothing she can't handle. Why does she feel at this moment that a giant hole is going to open up and swallow her?

"Dr. Grey?" A whiny intern voice calls over her shoulder. Wilson, Meredith assumes without looking. She ignores it, familiarizing herself with her patient's chart. "Dr. Meredith Grey?" The voice calls again. It's sharper, more insistent, and who the hell uses her first name at the hospital anyway?

She turns, ready for a sharp assault on the intern for using her first name, but stops when she sees she's not an intern at all. A young woman in a sharply dressed black pantsuit and pressed white blouse stands in front of her, a simple beige file folder in her hands.

Off-guard, Meredith stammers, "Uh... that's me." Who was this? Someone in need of a consult?

The woman nods, but her stance is firm. Businesslike. She's small, but there's an intensity that's imminently noticeable, especially with the straight, evenly parted dark red hair to match. "Agent Katie Black, FBI. Is there somewhere we can talk in private?"

xxx

 _Half an hour later:_

Meredith clutches her stomach and swallows hard as she exits the conference room, leaving Agent Black alone. The hallway tilts, and she blinks to right it. Her heart thuds a thousand miles an hour.

She thought she was done with that chapter of her life. She thought it was over. She'd filed it away, under 'Unnecessary Pain'. Under 'Denial'. Under 'Complicated.' Under, 'Do Not Think About'. But that stupid agent, with her stupid file, and those pictures...

Her mouth warms, her stomach clenches.

"Dr. Grey?" She hears but doesn't acknowledge. Where's the bathroom again? She thinks. Meredith stumbles along, swallowing.

"Dr. Grey, It's Wilson. I'm sorry I'm late with the results, I couldn't find you..." Wilson's voice is far away. "Right, you don't want to hear excuses. Um, Mr. Steinam's levels are elevated, and-"

Meredith pushes the door to the bathroom open and shuffles quickly into a stall. Her body quakes and she retches. Three times. The world is a spinning blurry mess, in more ways then one, and she doesn't know what to do. Somehow, though her knees tremble, and her stomach aches like she did a hundred sit-ups, she manages to balance on the toilet seat, head between her knees.

"Dr. Grey?" Wilson's voice echoes in the otherwise empty bathroom. "Are you all right?"

No, she's not. She's really really not. But she'd be damned if she let an intern know that. Her fingertips find the rough feathery two-ply toilet paper and she yanks enough to wipe her eyes and blow her nose. She tosses the used tissue into the sanitary disposal and flushes the toilet. Ignoring the confused and apprehensive gaze of her intern, she strides to the sink and scrubs her hands. A little too long, a little too rough.

Like that one night, so so long ago. Another lifetime ago.

Shaking her head, the unwanted thoughts tumble back into their hidden file.

"Doctor-" Wilson starts.

"-The results?" Meredith barks, holding out her hand. Wilson flinches but gives in, handing her the paperwork. Meredith glances at it, but the numbers bounce on the page from her trembling. She barges past Wilson, takes several deep breaths, and looks at the numbers again.

It's malignant.

"Schedule Mr. Steinam for surgery," she says.

"It's malignant?" Wilson says as if she'd been offered chocolate cake. _For me?_ "Can I scrub in?"

"No," she snarls without intending to. "Page Dr. Bailey."

"Dr. Bailey? Why?"

"JUST DO IT!" Meredith bellows. Around her, people stop and gawk and whisper. Meredith heeds no mind and heads for the attending's lounge. She fumbles for her phone. Escape. She needs to _go._ Just for a moment. She wants Zola. Zola's not here though, she's with Derek. Grocery shopping or something.

Meredith jumps when the door reverberates with a loud bang. She drops her phone. God, she thought she was over this.

"Grey!" Bailey's voice is strong and authoritative. "What the hell are you doing to those poor interns on their first day?"

"Mr. Steinam's mass is malignant. He needs surgery."

"I thought you were cleared." Bailey says, approaching her with a glimmer of concern.

"I was. I am. I just-" It's not something she can explain to her mentor. Her eyes water, and she wipes them. "I need my daughter."

Meredith expects a lecture. Ready to fight, she crosses her arms and looks away, preparing herself for it...

It never comes.

"I believe I can work him into my schedule for the day..." Dr. Bailey says softly. "You'll let the Chief know?"

The Chief. Right. "Yes," she nods. "Of course."

"Good." Bailey nods but stays rooted a few steps from the doorway.

Meredith wipes her eyes again. Her phone. Where did it go... she sees it on the floor and bends to pick it up. But Bailey beats her to it, and in the process, picks up a card that dropped with the phone.

Agent Black's card.

Meredith sees Bailey's hesitation and swipes the card and her phone from Bailey's hand. "I've got it, thank you." Quickly she turns back to her bag for her street clothes.

"Meredith..." Bailey breathes softly.

But she only shakes her head. Contrary to well founded evidence of Bailey's omniscient powers, she does not know this. She does not get to know... this.


	2. Pushing Zola on the Swing

**A/N:** Because you demanded it! But next update will not be posted until after I post AFTR's next chap.

 **Enjoy!**

xxx

Before she leaves the hospital, she calls Derek but he doesn't answer, which probably means he's got his hands full with a one and a half year-old while putting groceries away. Maybe it's better that way. She'll turn into a blubbering pathetic mess if he asks her what's wrong, and that terrifies her.

"Hello?" she calls into the house, a habit she formed living with roommates. It's always helpful to announce your presence.

"Mama!" Zola shrieks from Derek's lap, bits of goldfish cracker crumbs littering her bib, and dotting her hair.

"Meredith? You're home early." Derek exclaims, pleasantly happy, though she can detect a trace of curiosity in his tone. This was definitely unexpected for him, though not unwelcome. "I didn't think you'd be home so soon, I haven't started dinner-"

"Zo-zo!" When Meredith sees Zola's bright brown eyes, little white teeth and broad grin, everything else fades away. Even Derek. Meredith drops her bag and runs to the couch, liberating her daughter from her husband's grasp ."I'm going to take her to the park," Meredith blurts, opening the hall closet for the appropriate outdoor wear to dress her daughter in.

"I'll come," Derek stands. "What happened? Surgery got canceled?"

"No," Meredith says, pulling on Zola's coat as her one-year old babbles. She tries to think... she just wants to be alone with Zola. She has things to get right in her head before she can let her husband in.

"Meredith?"

"I um," she shakes her head. "Something happened at work... and I just need Zola. By myself."

Derek's blink at her rejection is almost a wince.

"You should visit Mark," she says to deflect his thoughts from her. "It'll be good."

"I..." he looks genuinely confused and concerned.

Meredith shifts her gaze to her daughter and picks her up. The soft scent of baby oil and the warmth of Zola's forehead resting on her cheek brings comfort. She glances at her husband, "I've just had this day..." a lump forms in her throat. "Please?"

"Oh," Derek breathes, relief flooding his features. He cups her other cheek, kisses her nose. She hates that she can't spill her guts to the man who loves her the most, but right now she just needs a moment with her daughter.

"Go see Mark," she says, and then she's out the door.

xxx

Pushing Zola on the swing, her daughter's laughter grounds her while she relives her visit with the enigmatic agent.

 _"Please, have a seat." The Agent's lips turned upward, appeasing. "You're probably wondering why I'm here..." started Agent Black, her fingers spreading over the still closed folder._

 _"What's this about?" Meredith asked as she closed the conference room door. All kinds of things have happened here over the years, it's not very surprising the FBI showed up. But why Meredith specifically? Agent Black sat down, resting the manilla folder on the grand table before her, waiting for Meredith to do the same. With no clue in her mind as to what the nature of the visit is for, Meredith did so. "Is it a patient? Is it about the plane crash?" That damned feeling in her gut wouldn't go away._

 _The agent sighed, and her features filled with regret. Not a good sign. Not good. Flipping the folder open to an aged piece of paper, Black pointed to the top left corner. Meredith blinked as she took in the information written under the neatly manicured fingernail. 1996 was the year. March 11. "No," the whisper was hoarse as she shook her head._

 _"You filed a police report, in 1996." Agent Black said. "You identified William Wright as your rapist."_

 _Meredith gritted her teeth together. Her lungs squeezed against her will forcing her breath into her upper chest. She blinked, trying to ward the memories away. The lock to the safe in her head was night, she'd been taken to the hospital. There was an investigation. It really wasn't that hard for them to figure out that it had been her boyfriend of one month that raped her. Except the suave man was the son of the D.A. And that was that._

Well, not really.

Zola's giggles bring her back, and Meredith pushes her adopted daughter in the swing, tickling her toes. On the outside, she's able to project perfectly happy normalness, but inside...

 _"Do you recognize this picture?" Black slid a photo toward her. William's dark eyes blazed fury at her, and another number to her safe was revealed._

 _"No," she shook her head._

 _"No?" Black questioned, surprised. Like, No? You don't want that last piece of cheesecake? No? You don't want to get married?_

 _"I mean, yes, I do." Meredith corrected. Though she's long buried this piece of her life, she hasn't forgotten. William is a part of her. He always will be. "I just... it's been sixteen years." Sixteen years of careful guarding, denial, debate. Sixteen years of not... ever allowing it to break her. Or so she thought._

 _But why the FBI?_

 _"We believe Wright is the perpetrator of several violent sexual assaults in several states." Agent Black answered. "We have him in custody. But we don't have much to go on. We need your testimony."_

 _The agent's words sent Meredith into a spiral. She felt both dizzy and intensely focused, pained and numbed at the same time. Metaphorically, she's been struck by the shockwave of a bomb._

 _"The DA is pressing charges in my case?" Meredith managed to ask under the tsunami of barely checked emotion. It's too much, it's all too much._

 _She thought she was done with this. With him._

 _"No, the statute of limits is fifteen years in Boston. He can't be prosecuted for your rape."_

 _He can't be prosecuted, she repeated in her head. "So what do you need my testimony for?" It seemed like a moot point then._

 _"We believe his behavior escalated after..." He raped you, Black didn't say but said._

 _"After he got away with it?" Meredith prompted, cracking with bitterness, pain and anger._

 _"Yes." The young agent's expression was sympathetic but determined, and Meredith hated that she looked so young. Black appeared like she didn't have a lifetime of devastating events to give her perspective, to show empathy or experience. In Meredith's eyes, she was a textbook case manager following orders._

 _An Intern, really._

 _With that realization, Meredith shut down. Closed the file cabinet in her mind and spun the combination lock on the safe. No one is getting in her vault. "I'm done with that part of my life," she said. "I'm married. I have a kid, a career. I've had more than enough trauma to last a couple lifetimes." She stood up, pushing the chair out from under her. "We're done here."_

 _Black was quick though, she pushed the police report aside to reveal the photos before Meredith could look away. "He did that to you," she said. "And he did that to several others, only two we can maybe prove, and only one is able to testify. It's enough for a trial... but... beyond reasonable doubt?"_

 _Meredith shook her head. "It was sixteen years ago... I was in high school. Nobody believed me then, you think they're going to now?"_

 _"Dr. Grey, we know he's hurt other women. Now is our chance to get him behind bars. We need to dot every 'i', cross every 't'."_

 _"It's... you can't just..." she shook her head no again. Why did she always have to be the one holding the bomb? She reached for the doorknob, but the agent blocked her._

 _"Meredith," she said. "We have reason to believe he knew about your pregnancy."_

Zola is giggling and kicking. Meredith pulls her out of the baby swing, hugging her tight and pressing kisses all over her. She swallows, "You know... she starts, "You have a big sister somewhere out there?"

"Wex!" Zola says, waving.

Wex. Right. Lexie...

The sister she didn't want to know.

Somewhere out there, Zola has a sister now too. Meredith does the math in her head. Born around thanksgiving, her daughter is almost sixteen now.

The daughter she couldn't look at.

The daughter she gave up.

 _The agent's words were a punch to the face, a kick to the gut."What are you saying?" Meredith rasped. She swallowed nothing but air and wobbled, her hand clutching the table for support._

 _"I'm saying he knows."_

 _He knows. It took everything in her to not commit assault that very moment. She almost gagged at the thought of that bastard knowing._

 _"Don't you want him to pay for what he did?" Black pushed._

 _But it was too much. Meredith's heart palpated. Her body flushed and and shivered. Memories she buried long ago were being churned to the surface._

 _Agent Black must have noticed this. She pressed a card into her hand. "Look, you were the only victim that wasn't drunk or otherwise intoxicated when Wright assaulted you. If you want him behind bars, we need your testimony."_

 _Her stomach lurched. "I have to go. I have a surgery."_


	3. Magic 'Tick!

**A/N:** So I messed something up trying to use the app and write this directly online… I managed to delete about 6000 words of this story… AGH! Never doing that again. Thank you everyone for your support! I'm still trucking on **A Fight to Remember** , and I hope to have an update for you within a week for that. For now…

 **Enjoy!**

Derek's still at the hospital, and despite Zola's squirming in her lap, Meredith is only vaguely aware of it. Dora the Explorer plays on the TV, and Zola seems particularly interested in doing her own exploring. "Ackback!" she says, pointing to the screen.

"Yeah," Meredith says. She's sixteen years in the past right now, "backpack," she corrects absently.

Zola mumbles the word to herself and finally wiggles out of her mother's grasp and slides off the couch. She toddles to the screen, "Boots!" she presses a dark finger to the screen at Dora's monkey side-kick.

"Yes, Boots." Meredith tries to stay in the moment with her daughter but…

 _June 1996_

" _I'm fine," said Meredith, "I'm dehydrated, it's nothing," she shrugged. "Can't you just send me home?" She'd passed out during gym class an hour ago. Now the school guidance counselor was sitting with her in emergency at Mass. General. Where her mother worked._

" _Sorry," Mrs. Marshall said, "Protocol."_

" _Protocol," Meredith scoffed, "Whatever." Protocol was going to get her into trouble with her mom. Any minute her she would barge in, full of anger and disappointment that she'd been interrupted once again by her incompetent daughter. Meredith wished she could just go home and sleep this off, but it was too late, she'd already been admitted._

 _The curtain slid open and a young nurse appeared, chart in hand. "Meredith Grey?"_

" _That's me," she mumbled, picking at the sheets._

" _Okay," she checked the chart. "I'm just going to take some blood, alright?"_

 _Meredith sighed and offered her arm. Quickly, a tourniquet was wrapped around her bicep, and antiseptic applied to the sensitive skin in the joint._

" _Just a little prick," the nurse murmured as she readied the needle. "Ready?"_

"AIEEEAH!"

"Meredith!"

Meredith snaps back to reality and leaps off the couch to Zola, who'd pulled a book off the shelf, but dropped it, causing it to fall on her head. "Zola!" she shouts, but Derek beats her to it, pulling Zola up to his chest in one swift movement and consoling her.

"Weren't you watching?" he snaps. "You know you need to keep her away from the bookshelf."

"I- I guess I was distracted," Meredith feels sudden guilt. She'd zoned out somehow… she didn't mean to. "Sorry," she offers softly. Her husband kisses his daughter's forehead and bounces her, calming her cries. "How's Mark?" asks Meredith, hoping the change in subject will change her husband's irritated glower.

Derek sighs, "He was asleep the whole time."

"Oh," Meredith leans into him, reaching to stroke Zola's back. Her daughter's earlier wails are now soft whimpers as the injury is forgotten.

"Here take her," Derek hands Zola over. He kisses his daughter's hair and smiles at Meredith, attempting to forget the whole thing. "I'm going to start dinner, okay?"

"Steak?" she asks. Maybe it will be okay. Maybe this is just a glitch. She'll get through this…

"Mm-hmm," he hums, "And pasta."

xxx

For a little while, she's absorbed and engaged with Zola as they play with blocks. "Bwok!" Zola exclaims, bending to pick up a block. Her grip is so strong now.

"What color is it?" Meredith asks.

Zola stands up, turning the block over in her hands. She shakes it, shouting, "Wed!"

Meredith lights up with pride, her daughter is so smart. "That's right, red," she confirms. But memories rise to the surface and take her away again.

 _In the two hours she'd been here, Meredith had come up with a thousand escape plans, but execution is a whole other story._

 _She's just so tired._

 _Actually, she'd been tired for a long time, but she chalked it up to the nightmare thing, and being a teenager. Maybe in a way, this was a good thing. Maybe they'd find out what was wrong, give her a prescription, and send her on her way. Hey, maybe she could miss school for a couple days. That would be cool. She had a chem final she still hadn't studied for…_

" _Meredith!" her mother's voice bellowed behind the curtain._

 _Crap._

"Kwash!" The blocks in the living room floor topple and spill all over the floor. Zola dances a victory dance in her bare feet.

"Crash!" Meredith repeats, clapping her hands, "can you pick up the blocks?"

"Pick up-up," says Zola, crouching down to pick up a block directly in front of her. When she stands up, a strange look crosses her features. Meredith recognizes it immediately as her _I-just-peed_ look.

"Zola did you pee?" she asks.

"Boo bwok!" Zola bounces, waving the block in her hand.

"Yes, blue," Meredith smiles, "Did you pee?" she asks again. They've been slowly easing into the potty training thing. Nothing serious, just recognizing the signs and pointing them out, getting her used to the idea.

"I peed. I pee-peed!" Zola points to her crotch and bounces on the balls of her feet.

"Okay," Meredith stands up, "Let's go to the potty and change your diaper."

"Okay," her daughter agrees and toddles off ahead of her.

" _Mom, I-," Meredith started, but her mother cut her off with a shake of her head._

" _Meredith," she said, looking down at the clipboard. "How've you been feeling lately?"_

 _Since when did Ellis Grey care about how she felt? "Uh…"_

" _Just answer the questions, Meredith."_

" _I…"_

" _Any fatigue?"_

" _A little…" Actually, she felt tired a lot, but that wasn't fatigue, was it? What did fatigue mean again?_

" _Dizziness?"_

 _Meredith thought about it, "Sometimes," but just in the morning when she got up, and when she did gym stuff, it was probably just low blood sugar, right?_

" _Nausea?"_

 _Not lately… well there was that time, about three weeks ago when it was kinda bad for awhile… "Um…"_

" _I'll take that as a yes," Ellis surmised as Meredith blushed. Her mother just knew things… she had like, secret psychic doctor powers. "How about your breasts? Any tenderness?"_

" _My breasts? Mom!" Hold up here, how sick was she?_

"All done!" Meredith pats Zola's clean diaper, "Now mommy has to pee," she says, pulling down her pants and underwear and sitting down on the toilet.

"Mama go pee?"

"Yes, Mama goes pee-pee on the potty."

"Pee-pee on the potty! Pee-pee on the potty!" Zola claps off rhythm. Meredith laughs at the role-reversal. The toddler is such a ball of energy. Zola stops and opens the bottom cabinet. Meredith isn't worried, there's nothing harmful in there. "Bwok!" she says, pulling out a pink and white box.

"Oh, Zola, that's not-,"

Zola shakes the box, and its contents spill out, four unused pregnancy tests, left over from when she and Derek were 'trying,' The arrow shaped objects catch Zola's eye, she drops the box. "Tick!" she says picking one up, "Magic tick!" and off she goes down the hallway, pointing the test like a magic wand. "Pshoo! Pshoo!"

 _As her mother's questions began to sink in, Meredith felt like the floor was going to open up and swallow her. "Mom?" she croaked again._

 _The clipboard clacked against the end of the bed, "Your bloodwork came back. I hope you're happy, Meredith," her mother grated, "You're thirteen weeks pregnant."_

 _She blinked. Any previous horrifying illusions Meredith had ever conjured of breaking the news to her mom that she was pregnant paled to having her mom breaking the news to her. No. In her mind, the floor was opening up… a big black hole._

 _She couldn't be pregnant. She couldn't. She hadn't had sex since…_

 _Thirteen weeks._

 _Oh God._

" _Meredith?"_

"Meredith?" Derek's voice brings her back, and she's staring at a piece of steak in her fork. "You spaced out," he says, touching her arm.

Meredith blinks, and the world comes back into focus. She's at the kitchen table, dinner in front of her. Zola is chatting away, a single piece of spaghetti tangled in her fork, her lips and cheeks painted with pasta sauce. Her husband gazes at her, worry wrinkling his brow. "Are you okay?"

Trembling, Meredith puts her fork down and exhales loudly. She can't stop the memories, the feelings… everything she buried so long ago is burbling back to the surface. Shadows of pain and trauma, guilt, regret… shame. And she just can't face her perfect family "I- um," she glances at Derek. "I think-," she stammers, "I'm just going to lie down for a while." Her legs push up of their own accord and she bumps the table with her thighs. Out. Out, out out… her heart screams… go.

"Meredith," she hears Derek plead, but she's too far down the hole and it laughs at her.


	4. Concluding to Jumps

**A/N:** Holy crap! Thanks so much everyone, for all your support! Patsy, mandyg67, TheSparklePager, Greysfannn, MerDer2015, Ferryboatssurgeons, Shelley, Curious Kitten, and Guest… and everyone else who faved and followed. Boy, you sure are hooked… Me too! DOUBLE FEATURE TODAY! Just updated GONE BABY GONE too, so check that one out next! Happy early Grey's day!

 **Enjoy!**

Derek turns off the television when Zola starts to nod off during Princess Pony Tales. It's been quite the day. After dinner, there were bubble adventures and play-doh messes. Zola brought out her princess tiara and they had tea time, his daughter telling him stories only she knew the words to. The day waned on until he found himself curled up here, watching her favorite show, his hands sticky with popsicle syrup.

Derek blinks sleep from his eyes and scoops up his daughter, bounding upstairs to tuck her in. Sleeping beauty settles easily among the soft blankets and many stuffed animals that litter her small bed. He kisses her and covers his princess with her Monster Inc. blanket. "Goodnight monkey," he whispers. Turning on the baby monitor, he closes the door slightly to her room.

With Zola safely in bed, Derek pads quietly across the hall to the master bedroom to check on his other princess. He stops at the doorway, peering in.

Meredith is curled on her side of the bed under the covers, her back to him. "Mere?" he calls out, not sure if she's asleep or not. When there's no response, he shuffles into the room and grabs his sleepwear, a dark cotton shirt and gray sweatpants. He continues with his bedtime routine, giving her some space as he brushes his teeth and washes up before settling into bed beside her.

She was like this after they'd been released from the hospital after the plane crash. Just… quiet and still. She's awake, and she'd been crying. He can tell. "Meredith? Are you okay?" he asks softly, slipping an arm around her waist and kissing her shoulder lightly.

She flinches and gasps as if woken from a trance before her hand covers his on her stomach, "no," she sniffs.

Was it about Lexie? he wonders. "Do you want to talk about it?" Grief sneaks up so suddenly sometimes. "Meredith?" his thumb traces a tiny oval on her soft skin. She doesn't reply, but her grip tightens on his hand. When she leans back into him, he gets the message and pulls her even closer.

xxx

Derek wakes up to kicking. Meredith is squirming in bed, having long escaped his grasp. "Stop it! Stop… said no! Please…" she whimpers as she twists to face him, her arm swinging.

He catches it in mid-air, "Meredith!" he barks. But she doesn't seem to hear him. "Mere," he tries again, straddling her among the tangled bedsheets. She's had nightmares before, but not like this. With his free hand, he cups her cheek. "Meredith, it's me," he almost yells. "It's Derek. You're having a nightmare. Wake up!"

Her eyes are open, but she doesn't see him, she keeps struggling, her tiny body surprisingly strong and flexible. Frustrated, Derek grabs her shoulders and shakes her. "Wake up Meredith!" A pained gasp escapes her lips, but then... her gaze meets his, and he can see her expression change slowly from fear to confusion. She stops squirming under him as she blinks away her nightmare, looking this way and that, realizing that she's in her room. She's safe. "Meredith," Derek slides off her, "It's alright, it was a bad dream. You're okay."

"Derek," she pants.

"I'm right here," he says, propping his head up with a fist. "It's okay," he reassures, even though he, himself is not reassured. This wasn't her usual Derek-lost-in-the-woods dream. Or Lexie-still-alive-screaming dream. This was different.

"I'm sorry."

He shakes his head, "Don't be."

When she looks at him, there is a fear in her eyes he's never seen before. His lips start to form the question, but she answers with a croak, "I'm okay."

"M-mm," he replies, wiping her tears.

"I'll be okay," she whispers.

She's wrong, but it's too late to argue. He falls asleep holding her hand.

Xxx

The morning sun warms him, and Derek blinks, reaching for his wife. But the bed is empty. "Meredith?" he calls, sitting up. Rubbing his eyes, he gets up, worried about Meredith. Did she sleep? Was she okay? He quickly does his business in the bathroom, washes up and heads down the hall. Zola's room is empty, but her bed is made. When he hears the familiar banging and clanging of pots, and Meredith's soft words among Zola's excited babbles, Derek's quite relieved.

"Good morning," he calls, entering the kitchen. On the kitchen table, he sees a couple plates with toast and jam, butter and a bowl of fruit. Coffee splutters in the coffee maker, and Meredith hovers over something steaming on the stove.

"Daddy!" Zola shrieks, haphazardly flinging cereal at him.

"Zo-zo!" he exclaims just as excited, reaching down to tickle his wonderful daughter.

"Hi," says Meredith when Zola is finally able to stop giggling.

"Hi," he greets, kissing her on the temple. "You're making me breakfast?"

"Trying to," she says of the mess in the pan. "It was supposed to be an omelet… but… scrambled eggs?"

"Sounds great," he says, reaching into the fridge for orange juice. "Did you sleep okay?"

"I… um, ended up in Zola's room, and then she woke up… and I couldn't sleep, so… breakfast." She waves at the spread before them.

"I see that," he picks up a plate. "Thank you."

Meredith scoops eggs onto his plate as Zola babbles. Something's up, he can't quite put his finger on it, but for this moment, he decides not to dwell on it. Meredith is trying, and he doesn't want to ruin it. They sit and quietly enjoy their meal, letting Zola entertain them.

"I called in," Meredith says after a while. "Took a personal day."

"Oh?" Derek looks up from buttering the toast. That feeling is back.

"There's um…" Was her face getting paler? Meredith puts down her toast and swallows. "Yesterday…" blue grey irises flick to him and then away, staring out the window. "There's just this thing I have to do. I… have to."

"Have to?"

"Something happened yesterday…"

Derek nods, remembering her words, _something happened at work…_ and her nightmare was not about the plane crash, that he knows. "Meredith, you can talk to me," he declares. He wants to help. He wants to fix it. He can fix it. He stretches his arm across the table, taking her hand in his.

"I know," she says softly. "Derek," her voices catches, "I love you."

"I love you too," he squeezes her hand. "Mere-," a sudden thought flies through his head, was she pregnant? Was she miscarrying? He tries not to choke up.

Meredith returns his squeeze, then stands up abruptly. "I'm going to do this thing… and then… We'll talk okay?"

"I could come with you," he offers, sensing that she needs him. He wasn't there the last time when she miscarried. Granted, having a bullet in your chest was a good reason to not be there. Still-

"Please don't, " Meredith says.

Her words cause a chasm in his heart. He wants to be there this time. He wants to help her. "Meredith-," Derek shoots out of his chair. He doesn't know what to do if he can't be with her.

She comes around the table to his side and cups his face. "I know," she whispers, drawing his gaze to her lips. "I don't need you there right now… But… after…"

"After?" he asks. Okay, he thinks. After.

She answers with a kiss, her lips gently caressing his, and he breathes her in and tightens his grip around her. Her small body molds into him, and while her lips leave his, she tucks her head against his chest, so he hugs her tightly. "Okay," Derek resolves, "I'm here, I'll always be here."

xxx

Derek's in the study, packing. Their new home across the Bay will be ready in a few weeks and since he can't cut people open and put them back together, he may as well open and close boxes. When he hears the front door open, he steps out, "Meredith?" he calls. Zola's upstairs having a nap, he's not expecting anyone else. Something's up, and he really needs Meredith to need him this time.

It's not Meredith. Alex is standing there.

"Karev?" he can't help the confusion in his voice. What the hell was he doing here?

"Hey," the younger man stands awkwardly in the foyer, "Mere's at the trailer," he thumbs to the door.

At the trailer? Derek asks himself. "What?" Why would she be there?

"She asked me to come over and babysit Zola." Alex elaborates with a shrug. "She said she had to tell you something."

"Oh," is all he can manage. He just wants her. He wants her to open up... just say it. She doesn't have to hide from him.

"Yeah…" Alex glances around, looking for his daughter, probably. "Zola's napping?"

"She's upstairs," Derek replies, feeling a wave of worry for Meredith roll up inside him. He just wanted her to be okay. She had to be okay. This thing, whatever it was, they'd get through it. They always did.

Alex notices this. "Look, I got the princess," he smiles a little, to reassure him. "Just go be with Mere, she needs you."

"Okay," Derek manages, before his feet take over and he's out the door.

xxx

He doesn't even remember the drive up to the trailer, he just finds himself on the familiar gravel road that eventually leads to their future home. Slowly, he approaches the trailer. Where was her car? He wonders, but the thought is gone when he sees Meredith sitting on the porch of the trailer. He steps out of his Porsche and walks up slowly, his boots crunching lightly in the gravel. His wife is sitting, knees to chest, arms around her legs, her head turned away from him. "Meredith?" he calls, but she doesn't move.

He realizes she's sleeping when he hears soft noises escape her. Snores. Derek smiles a little, he can't help it, she's so cute when she snores. Sighing, he settles beside her. Gently putting a hand on her back, he kisses the top of her head. "Mere?" he calls.

She doesn't budge. "Mere," he says in her ear, a little louder.

"No…" she replies.

"It's me. I'm here."

"You're here?" she asks sleepily, turning her head to see him.

"Yes." He rubs her back, pulls his hand up to push the bangs out of her eyes.

"You _are_ here," she mumbles, looking up at him with glassy bloodshot eyes. God, what happened? Those weren't the eyes that said 'I love you' this morning.

"Yeah," he kisses her on the lips, tasting a faint hint of tequila. It shocks him. "Meredith, you were drinking?"

"Yeah… a little."

He doesn't understand, he doesn't get why. Did she leave the house just to get drunk? He shakes his head in disappointment. Pulling her up, he turns to the trailer. "Let's get you inside, I'll put some coffee on."

But she yanks her arm from his grip. "No." She sways a little but regains her balance. So, more than 'a little'.

"Meredith, you're drunk," he can't help the accusation.

"We have to talk, I have to tell you-"

"It can wait," he takes her elbow, "you're not in the right mind to-"

"No!" she pulls away from him again. "Thisis the only way I can tell you," she yells, stumbling back.

Derek runs a hand through his hair. She could have come to him earlier. Why didn't she come to him? Why didn't she let him come with her to her appointment? "Meredith, what is it? Were you pregnant? Did you lose the baby?"

"What?" she asks, tucking hair behind her ears.

"It's all right…" he tries to soothe. "We have Zola, we'll be alright." They've gotten through so much together, they can do this, if she'd just-

"No, that's not… stop talking!"

"Mere."

"Stop saying things and concluding to jumps!" she hisses at him, "You don't know!"

"Okay," Derek puts his hands up in surrender. If she wasn't pregnant... if she didn't miscarry... then what? "I'm sorry."

"Okay," she acknowledges. But she doesn't move from the spot she's standing on. She stands there, blinking, as tears start to fall down her cheeks.

Frozen by her stare, he waits.

"I am drunk…" she says. "But that happened after I went to the police station. That happened after… What time is it?"

He looks at his watch. It's noon. "Twelve," he says.

She sways, thinking for a moment. "That happened after I spent two hours with some Black Agent, telling her about the man who raped me sixteen years ago."

Derek stares at the woman he loves as she wipes the tears from her eyes, and suddenly, everything he thought he knew, just shifts.

 **A/N:** There you have it! What next? Stay tuned... Now Go check out GONE BABY GONE! And **Please Review!**


	5. Can't be Re-buried

**A/N:** Thanks Everyone, for your lovely reviews, favs and follows. Happy Grey's Day! It's the season finale today!

 *****Warning, Mentions of rape and violence in this chapter*****

"Meredith?"

It's like she's looking at him through a wall of water. He's barely a foot away from her, but everything is blurry and slow and his voice echoes and bounces around her.

Yeah, she was raped. Meredith admits that now. Sixteen years ago, she confessed it to a pair of uniformed officers. Nothing came of it. Then it got buried. And to live, survive, carry her baby to term, she buried it also. She erected walls, became numb and practically forgot all about it, except around Thanksgiving, the season of her daughter's birth.

"Meredith…you were raped?" Derek's voice is clearer now, his hands on hers… how had he gotten so close to her already? Her breathing picks up, her heart pounds. She can't really look at him, staring at his thick wool jacket instead. Indigo, his favorite color. The wool is ribbed in a way that indicates high quality, as it should be… it's a gift from Mark. Pulled to Derek's chest, she can't really resist his embrace. The alcohol loosened her lips, her limbs.

She hadn't wanted to drink. Wasn't going to.

But-

 _He grips her forearm so tight she can feel his nails scrape her bare skin. He yanks her toward him, and her elbow pops in its socket._

 _He glares down at her with…_

 _Something that makes her shiver._

"Mere, let's go inside, okay?" Derek's voice pulls her out of her reverie. She blinks a few times, centering herself. Where was she again? Oh. Here. Why?

"I'll make some coffee," he says, "There's still some soup-"

"No," She can't look at him and spill her guts at the same time. And she doesn't want the trailer to house her secret. Meredith turns to face the woods and the simple dirt path that lines the lake. "Let's walk."

Tracing every line and feature of her face with his gaze, Derek's Adam's apple bobs as he swallows, "Okay," he says thickly.

His warm hand finds hers, and he squeezes. She squeezes back. They walk until their steps are in sync. Meredith takes several deep breaths, and absorbs the beauty of the sun, the chirping birds, the mountains in the distance… the crystal blue lake.

With patience, Derek walks beside her, the only giveaway of his concern is the short sideways glances he gives her. He has a calm exterior, yet inwardly she knows he's bursting with questions and anxiety for her.

Meredith hates that she can't be sober to explain, but after sixteen years of locking her secret away, she doesn't know any other way of releasing it to her husband. This whole situation has thrown her for a loop. She never thought she'd have to tell.

They walk.

Meredith stops at a small cliff outcrop that looks over the lake. Memories are surfacing, peeling from the bottom of her own lake. Ugly red algae surfacing. "When I was eighteen," she starts, "I met a guy at some frat party. William." Glancing quickly at her husband, she sees his confirming nod for her to continue. "He was a college senior," Meredith stares off at the light that pierces through the trees as the breeze causes them to sway.

 _Let go! she yells. Sudden panic and adrenaline course through her as she stares at him wildly. She thought- she thought-_

 _Did you think I really gave a fuck? he sneers, about you, I mean?_

Derek's squeeze on her fingers reminds her why she's doing this. Why she called Katie Black.

 **Earlier:**

Meredith strokes Zola's frizzy curls and runs her hand down over her belly, feeling the rise and fall of Zola's diaphragm as she sleeps.

"Agent Black," comes the all business voice from the other end of the line. "Hello?" Black says as Meredith licks her lips and clears her throat. "Helloo?" Black's tone impatient now, she heaves a weary sigh. The phone is slick with sweat from her palm, and Meredith's heart thunders. But she can't speak.

"Dr. Grey?" Black hazards.

"Yes," Meredith finally rasps, she still doesn't have any more words.

"Do you want me to pick you up?" The agent asks.

Meredith shakes her head, forgetting that such a gesture is useless over the phone.

But Black correctly interprets her silence, "I'm at SPD Headquarters. Just have front desk page me. Whenever you're ready, Meredith."

"Okay," she says, and hangs up.

After the awkward breakfast with Derek, she arrives at the station, feeling… like she's floating, watching herself. Meredith waits in line among the usual complainants; people making accident reports, discussing tickets, requesting record checks. She blinks, becoming lost again.

"Excuse me!" she's interrupted, and Meredith realizes there's no one in front of her any longer.

"Oh," she steps forward. The man at the front desk is younger, clean cut and shaven. Meredith gets the impression that he will be moving up the ranks, to be a police officer himself.

"How can I help you?" he asks politely.

"I was…" Meredith stutters, the man's eyes are the same color as William's. Suddenly, she feels like bolting. She should've brought Derek. Why didn't she? She really doesn't know. "Um, I…" she half turns to the door. She can't do this. She really-

 _Those eyes that used to look at her with playfulness, that used shine with a tinge of want and teasing, now darkened with anger. She tries to pry his fingers off her wrist, but he's backing her up- back, back, back. She hits a wall._

 _There's nowhere to run._

"I'm here to see Agent Black," Meredith says.

The room she's led to is sparse, nondescript. A table, two chairs. A bookshelf lined with criminal code books and a locked file cabinet. Meredith doesn't remember how she got the cup of water, but the Styrofoam cup is empty already, and she's still thirsty.

"Hi," Agent Black says, entering the room with that familiar manila folder. Another woman follows her in as well. "This is Detective Jen Teegan from Seattle PD, my partner."

"Hi," Meredith nervously tapped the cup on the table.

"Thanks for coming," the agent acknowledges. "You can call me Katie by the way," she takes her seat across from her while Jen leans against the wall, her Asian features give her a stern look against the shadows. "Can I ask what changed your mind?"

"My daughter," Meredith says. Both of them. After her nightmare, even with Derek's arms around her, she couldn't sleep. William's dark eyes confronted her every time she blinked. It was like he was there, in the house with her. She got up, showered, lathered, scrubbed and sobbed. She's supposed to be done with this.

But she can't re-bury it.

She'd walked across the hall, stood in Zola's doorway and stared at her as she slumbered peacefully.

Zola's so innocent. She's innocent in all of this. Laying beside her, she can't help but think she must protect her.

And then she thought of her first daughter. She'll never confess it, but she thinks of her often. Little things mostly. Like what her room looks like. Or, if she likes to wear dresses, or what she liked to play with. If she had a lot of friends-

When they adopted Zola, she wondered about milestones. When had her daughter first walked? What was her first word?

Now her daughter is a teenager.

And she has a feeling.

 **Now:**

"We made out," Meredith continues as they strolled along the path. "He was really nice… At first. We met up later, and kinda started going out I guess."

It wasn't exactly a whirlwind romance, but it'd been nice, to be wanted. But the feeling was fleeting. Fake. "But…" Meredith's stomach plummets as her anxiety increases. She swallows. "I was stupid. I didn't- I didn't think-,"

 _He slams her against the wall. She hits her head and stares up at him, dazed, heartbroken. Will- I-, she didn't understand. What did she do?_

 _Meredith tries to catch her breath, though now his hand is cupping her chin, hurting her. Stop. Stop it, let me go! She cries out._

 _That's right, he growls. Beg. You thought you were my girlfriend? He shakes her as he steps closer. You? You're nothing but a slut._

"I didn't think he was just using me," Meredith chokes out. She stops along the trail, trying to breathe to keep from fainting as a wave of dizziness hits her.

"Mere," Derek steadies her. Catches her light stumble. Looking at him she sees only reassurance and love in those lovely blues.

There were many, many days when she didn't believe _anyone_ could ever love her. Many days when she doubted _his_ love for her. They're well past that point in their relationship, but still she asks, "You still love me, right?

"God, Mere, yes, I love you." His palm rests on her cheek, he kisses her lightly on the lips. "I love you so much."

"Kay," she nods, not able to say anything more as her stomach begins to protest her alcohol binge. She pivots and vomits away from Derek's shoes.

 **Earlier:**

Katie unpauses the tape recorder and flips to a fresh page of her yellow steno pad. "Okay, Meredith, now that we've established your relationship with William Wright, tell us what happened the night of March 11, 1996."

"I was… We were at a party together," she starts. She feels sick and swallows back bile.

"Where was that?"

"Alpha Epsilon Phi, on Harvard Campus." In her mind, Meredith sees the house, the entrance, the stairs she walked up. She shudders and her skin prickles.

"A frat party?"

"Yes."

"You arrived together?"

Meredith shook her head, "No, he was there first. I went looking for him."

"And you found him?"

Blinking, she feels like she's behind the camera of a documentary. Meredith sees everything, everyone. "Upstairs. In the master bedroom."

"By himself?"

Meredith shook her head, "There was another girl there." She doesn't feel it yet. The pain of betrayal, and the shameful aftermath. Right now, she's a spectator of her own memories, like she's watching a morbid silent movie she once acted in.

"Do you know her name?" Katie asks.

Meredith finds the questions sort of soothing. Just answer them, she tells herself. Don't analyze it. Katie's just getting a history. "Cora, or Corrie or something."

"You met her before?"

"She was William's classmate, I met her in passing."

"And then what happened?"

"They were kissing. It was heavy. I saw them, William saw me, and…"

 _What are you doing with her? She asks, even as her heart breaks. I thought-_

 _Thought what? William responds coldly, that I liked you?_

 _I thought-_

 _He rolls his eyes at Corrie. Give us a minute? Let me set her straight._

"We argued. Corrie left. And I…" she shook her head. No. No, no… Meredith chides herself as her walls crumble. Detached. Be detached. This isn't you. This is a patient. "When I realized," she sniffs, everything is suddenly becoming real again, "Who he really was, I t-tried to leave. I tried to-,"

 _Stop, she says as he presses her harder against the wall. She can't move, can't breathe._

 _Shut up. His large hands circle her upper arms and he throws her into a bookcase like she's nothing. Meredith thinks a bone even cracked. She tries to get up, get out._

 _But the only way out was through him._

 **Now:**

"He cracked my collarbone, dislocated my shoulder," Meredith tells Derek after a few minutes of silence. They're still walking along the quiet trail, but this time Derek's arm is wrapped tightly around her waist. His eyes are watery, his mouth set in a grim line. "I told him to- I told him to s-stop. I told him I was sorry but he-,"

 _Though he's several feet away, William still towers over her. Cradling her arm, she tries to edge her way out. William, she says, you made your point. You're right. Okay? I'm just… I'm gonna call a cab… and just… go home. You'll never see me again, okay?_

 _No._

 _No?_

 _No… it doesn't really work like that._

 **Earlier:**

"You tried to escape," Katie says, "But you couldn't."

"He grabbed me," Meredith responds robotically, trying as hard as she can to be the witness, not the victim. "Threw me against the wall. Pulled my pants down and-,"

 _She's had sex before. Of course, Meredith's not a virgin. Virgins didn't go to frat parties. Smart ones didn't, anyway. But sex isn't supposed to hurt. Not like this._

 _Not in so many different ways._

 _He pulls out of her and she gasps, unconsciously leaning against him for support._

 _Get the fuck off me! William snaps, pushing her back as he tucks himself in. Meredith's legs refuse to hold her up and she topples sideways._

 _Pants. She tries to pull them up, but her hands shake too much._

 _Get up! He bellows_

 _When she can't, he spits on her._

"He raped me," Meredith says hoarsely, and it's too much. Much too much. She can't stop it now, the memories.

 **Now:**

"Mere…" Derek pulls her hair back as she vomits for the second time.

She wipes her mouth and clutches his arm for support. "He raped me. He… he…" she swallows, but she can't finish her thought. Meredith presses on, talking fast, just to get it out. "I blacked out after that. I might've had a concussion. Someone… I don't know what happened, but I woke up at a free clinic. I talked to the cops. I didn't want to get in trouble, so I lied."

"You lied? Meredith he-," Derek spat. His body tenses up like a fighter.

"I know," Meredith emphasizes. "But he was a Senior. Top of his class, Harvard. Didn't matter anyway, Derek, they figured it out. They came back and asked if I wanted to press charges."

"Did you?"

"His father was the freaking D.A. If I pressed charges…" she shakes her head. "Everything would be ruined."

"What about your mother? Did she know?"

"I told her later. After…"

"After what?"

Meredith stops. Wipes her lips with the back of her hand… This… this was the big one. She fidgets with her fingers. "Derek, when William raped me…I got pregnant."

 **A/N:** Thanks Everyone! Please review!


	6. And then he's there

**A/N:** Thanks Everyone! I hope you enjoyed the little preview I sent to those who reviewed! I worked so hard on this chap to get everything right!

 **Enjoy!**

Dizzy, Meredith looks down at the ground to stop the world from spinning. Arms crossed, she hugs herself tightly as the breeze seems to pick up around her. Derek hasn't said anything since her big reveal, and her heart plunges up and down like it's on a bungee cord every time she looks at him, so the dirt path seems like a nice neutral place to stare. At least it doesn't stare back.

And then, he's there.

She barely has time to react to his nearness when he slips his arms between hers, around waist her and crushes her to his chest. "Meredith," she hears him say. Everything in her constricts, but she fights it. She won't cry. She cried already over this as a teenager, crying now is-

She swallows. No tears, not now. Please, not now. Instead, she hiccups and pants and swallows.

"It's okay," he says.

He wouldn't understand, it's not okay. She's on a precipice.

"Let it out," he breathes.

Meredith wants to, truly wants to. But it's a pandora's box of convoluted flashbacks and tumultuous feelings that swirl around her, pushing her to the edge. She stares out over Derek's shoulder, at the lake, so peaceful and placid, unlike the storm inside her. Meredith determines not to let it out, she's not ready. "I'm tired," she says.

 **Sixteen years ago:**

 _After she's discharged from the hospital, Meredith remains in silent shock while her mother drives her home in the Buick. The plastic wristband she wears itches so she fidgets, trying to pull it off while stealing glances at her mother. But every time she looks away, she's pressed down by her mother's own heavy gaze._

 _Relief springs in her upon seeing their driveway. Home. Her bedroom. Escape. She quickly unfastens her seatbelt, eager to flee from judgement._

" _Meredith-"_

 _Ignoring her mother, she dashes up the front porch and fumbles to unlock the door._

" _Meredith!" The car door slams behind her just like her heart is painfully slamming against her chest. Panic rises, she can't face her mother. Meredith pushes the front door open, stumbles inside and makes her way upstairs._

" _Meredith…" Her mother calls a third time, and somehow, she stops. She didn't know why. Maybe it was how she'd been raised, maybe it was because she was already out of breath. Maybe it was her mother's unexpected soft tone._

 _Stopping at the fifth step, she stares up at the ubiquitous Van Gogh print on the wall of the landing. Lilies or something. Ellis Grey isn't big on décor, but she at least knows how to keep up appearances and make her home look presentable. But the painting has no sentiment attached to it. If she recalls correctly, her mother had picked it up at some garage sale when they first moved here when she was six or seven. How odd that the lovely piece never stirred up any feelings in Meredith. Or her mother. And as she stared at it, waiting for the oncoming wrath, she felt as disposable as the artwork. Were they really going to do this? "I'm tired," she protested, tightening her grip on the oak bannister._

" _I know," came the soft reply._

 _Her tone was enough to cause Meredith to turn her head. She blinked. Her mother bore an expression she rarely saw. Sympathy. "Meredith," she stepped forward, "We have to talk about this."_

" _I'm_ _ **tired**_ _," she repeated. She didn't want to talk. She couldn't. Not now._

" _Tomorrow. I'll make breakfast."_

 _Breakfast? Her mother would be staying home from work? Meredith didn't quite believe it. "Whatever," she muttered._

xxx

Meredith finds herself sitting in the bedroom of the trailer. She feels sick and light-headed. She hasn't had a tequila binge since… before Zola. Derek had draped a blanket over her, but feeling too hot, she sheds it. A bottle of water rests in her hands, and she unscrews the cap and takes a long sip. Noises from the kitchen drag her from her reverie. Derek's tinkering with something. She totters over, wanting to be in his orbit. When she stumbles slightly, she's grateful for the very narrow hallway between the bed and the kitchen. She leans against the door of the hallway closet, watching as he grinds open a can of soup.

"Hey," she says.

He looks up from his now open can of chicken noodle. "Hi," he replies, his lips pressed into a small smile. "Feeling better?" he asks.

She doesn't really know how she feels. But he's here, and that feels good. "A little, I guess," she admits.

He pours the soup into a tiny pot with a _sploosh_ and adds water. "You can sit," Derek gestures before reaching for a tiny frying pan.

"It's okay," Meredith remains standing. _I'm okay,_ she thinks to herself. She told him. She told her secret, and they're both still standing. That counts for something, right?

He nods and reaches for something in the tiny freezer. Bread. The frozen half loaf clunks loudly on the counter. He gathers some margarine and a lump of… was that cheese? Whatever it is, he appraises it, makes a disgusted face and throws it in the trash. The frying pan hits the burner with a loud clang, and Derek slams the cutlery drawer and curses under his breath.

His behavior bothers her. She can't read him, can't figure out what he's feeling or thinking at this particular moment.

Is he mad at her? For what? She wonders. But she doesn't want to guess. Assuming her husband's feelings for such a complicated revelation would be a bad idea. Meredith takes another couple gulps of water, gathers some courage, and steps closer. "So…" she draws an invisible zig-zag on the countertop with her thumbnail. "Um…"

He gives her a sideways glance while he butters the bread. "Not now, Meredith," he gruffs. Her heart pangs a little at that, till his side profile reveals a clue, the slight pout of his lower lip. She can relax a little. He's not mad at her, he's… frustrated, upset, afraid. It's sort of the look he gets before he tells a patient bad news.

Wordlessly, she walks past him, gently brushing his shoulder as she reaches for the can of coffee in the cupboard. They're going to need it.

xxx

" _I called the school. You're not going in today," her mother pours a cup of coffee for herself and juice for Meredith._

" _Okay," she doesn't argue, plunking herself down at the kitchen table. What else is there to say?_

 _As her mother fries up eggs and toast for the two of them, Meredith is left to reflect on the previous night. After getting over her initial shock, reality struck her. Her hormonal, pregnant teenage brain activated all sorts of fears and anxieties, and she ended up sobbing into her pillow._

 _The future looms and it terrifies her. She's pregnant. There's life inside her. It has arms and legs and a heart and a brain. Meredith had lain in bed, feeling her belly. There's a roundness there she hadn't noticed. She'd stared at herself in the mirror, practically naked, for a good twenty minutes. Her body changed, and she never even realized it._

 _How did she not notice?_

 _Meredith came to a startling conclusion in the vestiges of sundown, while she was looking in her bedroom mirror. Staring at her slightly plumper breasts and the little roll of belly she'd accumulated, she realized, at some point she stopped caring about her body. Since William. Since he- since that night._

 _It's like her brain quit acknowledging what was happening to her from the neck down._

 _And now?_

 _She's eighteen, a high school senior with nothing but dreams of being a doctor, maybe a surgeon following in her mother's extraordinary shoes. She's been accepted into Harvard for September._

 _But reality is a bitch. There's a baby inside her. Imagine showing up five months pregnant, waddling around campus with a rapist's baby._

 _Imagine trying to feed and care for a baby while still going to class. Who would take care of it? Certainly not her mother. Daycare would be a fortune. Where would she live? Would she have to post-pone her career plans now? Get a job at Wal-greens?_

 _Would she even want it? Could she love it? What if she doesn't?_

 _Shivering, Meredith's scared to even think that way._

xxx

There's no cheese, but Derek makes a go of grilled buttery bread. Still in upset non-talking mode, he focuses on cooking and not on her, which Meredith accepts for now. If there's one thing she knows, it's that he has a ton of questions, one of them being…

Why didn't she tell him?

The coffee finishes spluttering, and as Derek dishes up her soup and grilled toast, she curls her fingers around the pot and pours them both a cup.

They meet at the tiny table, and Derek exchanges the bowl of soup for his mug of coffee. He nods a thank-you and takes a small sip. She smiles and nods back, accepting his act of love.

Her stomach growls. Her body is hungry, but she's reluctant to eat. Meredith pushes the noodles back and forth in the yellow broth while she rubs her thigh nervously. It's happening again… the memories. She sniffs and looks up at her husband. Derek's expression is upset, worried. For her. _Eat Meredith,_ he says without words.

xxx

" _Meredith, eat." Her mother chastises from across the table._

 _She meets her mother's gaze and picks at her meal, trying a small bite, but she's just not hungry._

" _I know you're awfully small for thirteen weeks, but l'm surprised you didn't find out sooner," Ellis says, pointing a fork at her._

 _Meredith slides her scrambled eggs around the plate. Three months ago, breakfast with her mother would have meant the world to her. Now there's a sickening sense of dread filling her stomach and tightening it into knots "I didn't know," Meredith rebuffs quietly._

" _Who's the father?" Her mother's tone is civil but has a bite to it that she's learned to dread._

 _Blinking, she's transported back to that day. Shame at her poor decisions make her chest burn. 'You thought you were my girlfriend?' William sneered. 'You? You're nothing but a slut.'_

" _I don't know," she lies. How could this happen to her? How did she let it happen?_

 _Ellis squints and leans forward, "How can you not know?" she asks. "How many boys have you been with?"_

 _Meredith's cheeks flush as she recoils from her mother's verbal gut punch. William backs her against the wall. Her mother backs her against the wall. She wishes she could melt like the wicked witch of the west. Just cease existing. "I didn't-," she starts, palms flat on the table, "I wasn't- it wasn't-," she stutters, trying to defend herself, but failing miserably. ._

" _It wasn't what? You weren't what?" Her mother snaps. "It wasn't a one-night stand? You weren't sleeping around?"_

" _No."_

" _Then what? A baby doesn't materialise out of thin air."_

" _Can we just forget the father?" Meredith tries to change the subject. She can't think. Being pregnant is one thing, but the circumstances of conception? Yeah. There's no way she's telling him. William can't know about this, ever._

" _Then you_ _ **do**_ _know him," her mother continues._

 _Crap. She fell for it. She always falls for it. Meredith swears her mother has a blackbelt in verbal jujitsu. "No, I don't," she insists. She thought she knew him. She thought maybe he cared for her. But it was a lie. A sick lie._

 _Ellis slams the frying pan on the stove, "Stop this nonsense!" Her voice raises, "If you know who the father is, then I need to know. You're only eighteen, how old is he? Where is he from? He has a right to know about this child!"_

" _No, he doesn't!" Meredith screams back, launching out of her chair. "He has no right, because he raped me!" Just like that, her secret's out. She'd never planned on telling her mother that part. But there it is, the words echoing and reverberating in their small kitchen._

 _She stares at her mother, eyes glazing with upset. For her part, Ellis seems equally shocked and upset. "Meredith," she breathes._

xxx

Derek is watching her eat. It's discomfiting because there's none of the playful teasing looks he likes to give her when he watches her do things. It's discomfiting because he's quiet. Derek's generally not a quiet person around her. It's discomfiting because he still has that deep worried upset look on his face. She slurps her soup, unsure what to do or say about this. _Not now Meredith,_ he said just a few minutes ago, with the promise of venom if she pushes it.

She sighs, she can't take it anymore. She drops her spoon down. "Derek, say something."

He looks at her with a frown, his eyes watery. "I don't- What do I say?"

"I don't know, ask me something!" she responds, annoyed.

He picks up his coffee cup and leans back in his chair. "You were raped," he says. "When you were eighteen."

"Yes," she replies.

Derek nods and stares at the cup. "And you… got pregnant."

"Yes."

He puts the cup down and takes her hand with his casted one, "What happened to the baby?" he asks.

xxx

 _Meredith slumps back into her chair. Is this the part where she can disappear now? She can't read her mother's expression. She's not sure she wants to know anyway._

 _Her mother's hand covers hers, and she looks up._

" _Meredith," Ellis says again. "How did this happen?"_

 _She shakes her head. It happened. That's all she needs to know. Her hand slips away from under her mother's. "I'm not showing yet," she says. "Is it… I can still have an abortion, right?"_

 _Ellis's head tilts. "Meredith," she whispers._

" _I can't- I'm…" instinctively she rubs her belly, "I'm not ready! I can't raise a kid!"_

" _You're not having an abortion, Meredith."_

" _Why not?" she sniffs._

 _Her mother gets up, walks into the living room and peers at the book shelf. She pulls a good-sized textbook down and flips through it as she comes back. When she finds the right page, she slides it across the table to her._

 _Meredith sighs, resting her cheek on her fist as she reads. Chapter Sixteen: Obstetrics. Pregnancy and Abortion. There's a chapter heading titled: Second Trimester Termination. Second trimester. That's her. She reads it silently to herself, but after the forth paragraph, she stops and looks painfully at her mother. "That's what they do?" she rasps._

 _Ellis nods. Her eyes are sad._

" _Okay," Meredith closes the book. She's convinced. No abortion. But then… "What am I supposed to do?"_

xxx

"I gave her up for adoption," she answers her husband.

"Mmm," he squeezes her hand. "A girl."

"Yeah," she nods, trying not to think too much about how it felt to hold her in her arms for a few brief minutes before she had to let her go.

Derek stares blankly at the table, "I… you didn't tell me."

"I didn't tell anyone," Meredith responds, feeling prickly. She pushes the soup away, it's cold now and she's too full of feelings to think about eating.

"We adopted a child…" Derek continues, "We… we've been through so much together… I just…" he shakes his head. "You could have told me."

Meredith nods, she understands his sentiment, but what was she supposed to say? Derek, I love you, I want to marry you, and by the way I was raped half a lifetime ago, got pregnant and gave my child away? "When you came here, and met me, and we were falling in love… did you forget your marriage to Addison?"

"No," he shakes his head, not understanding.

"No," she confirms, "You just chose not to think about it. You put it off, put it away. Avoided it."

"Mere-,"

"That's what I did, except I did it for years, not two months. It was that… or…" she shrugs, "I don't really know." It was the worst year of her life. She'd been traumatised. Changed. Ripped. She lets out a sigh… "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I guess I thought that chapter of my life was over," she sniffs.

Derek's silent for a long minute as he ponders all of this. Meredith pulls her knees up to her chest and rests her head on them. It's only one o'clock in the afternoon but it feels like it's been ages since she woke up next to Zola this morning. She closes her eyes, exhausted.

He releases her hand, and for the briefest second, she feels bereft. But before the feeling takes root in her heart, he's around her. He's warm and strong and she feels so safe in his arms. She basks in it. He makes her feel so safe. It's why she opened up to him, it's how she fell in love with him. It's how she healed.

Time lapses, she doesn't know how long. They don't move. Derek clears his throat, "You went to the police," he says.

Meredith blinks out of her haze, wiping her eyes. "Yeah," she rasps.

"It's not over then," he concludes.

"No," she squeezes Derek's good hand. "William- I… guess I wasn't the only one he hurt." She turns so she can rest her head against his chest. More contact. More of him against her, protecting her. "They want me to testify."

 **A/N:** I was listening to the song "Let her go," By the band Passenger, and it's like a regular break up song... but you should listen to it from the perspective of Meredith giving her child up for adoption... whoa.

Anyway, leave a review!


	7. You Don't get to Fall Apart

**A/N:** Thanks everyone! I hope you had a wonderful Christmas!

Takes place a week after last chap.

 **Enjoy!**

The sun peeks through the light curtains, revealing piles of boxes and laundry baskets of folded clothes. They've moved into their new home but have yet to unpack. "We don't have to go to work today," Derek tucks a lock of hair behind her ear. They're cuddled in bed, skin on skin, a closeness they haven't had for awhile. Meredith never wants it to go away.

She strokes his bare chest, relishing the feel of Derek's warm hard body against hers in the aftermath of making love. Today… they're really going to need each other. "I just… need to take my mind off things," she says. _Things_. As in her testimony at 3 o'clock today. If she could just find a few quick patients to work on… maybe a trauma or something. Eight hours is all she needs.

"Mmm," Derek hums, kissing her hand. She squeezes his. No cast anymore. He spent all day doing PT. Callie cleared him for surgery… so… he should be good to go.

"Are _you_ ready?" she asks, laying her fingers alongside his before clasping his hand.

Derek flexes. "I… want to be."

"Me too." As he'd practiced with his hand, she'd done so with the D.A. She'd been examined, cross examined They'd gone over every detail, every possible objection or question that might be thrown her way. She feels ready. But it's not just Derek's hand or the trial… today, of all days… is Mark's last. Derek's eyes hold an undercurrent of sadness in the deep blue.

"I miss him," he admits. "I wish…" He stops and rolls onto his back. "I could've been a better friend, you know."

She doesn't know what to say. She could've been a better sister too. She sidles closer to him. They sigh together, their noses touching, then their lips. She pulls her husband close against her, and his tears mingle silently with hers as they grieve.

xxx

Before work, she asks Derek to make a stop. Meredith hates the cemetery but it's where Lexie is, and she wants to talk to her. She steps forward and rests some lilies at her grave. "Hi," she says to the dark gray stone, "I… um… today is… Mark's…" Meredith stops, swallows, controls her breathing. "He loves you, very much. I hope you get to see him… wherever you are."

Meredith shudders in the cold, taps her foot. Her mouth opens and closes as she thinks of what to say. "You know the five things? I never told you mine. I had pink hair, that's one; and a doll, Anatomy Jane. That's two. I'm… horrible at Math. So that's one thing we _don't_ have in common. I've always wanted to be a surgeon… except once… when I… when things got hard. So that's four. And five?" Meredith glances at Derek's Porsche, parked not too far away. He's outside, leaning against it. "I had a baby.

"Yeah," Meredith continues. "I had a kid… I had to give her up… it… I guess after that… I couldn't let anyone in, you know. It felt like karmic payback when you showed up. You and Molly had this life that could've been mine. That could've been hers, my baby's. So… that's why… I was so harsh, I guess. I'm sorry. I wasted a lot of time. But… I think you'd be proud of me. I'm going to do this thing. Testify against a bad guy. I need you in my corner today, Lex." Meredith swallows and nods. She feels… something, "Okay," strength seems to ebb into her bones. She feels ready. "Thanks," she touches the cold gravestone. "I love you."

xxx

"Good morning everyone," Meredith approaches the table of interns, who, upon seeing her, suddenly sit up and look serious. "As you all probably know, we have a tradition here." She eyes them carefully, sizing them up to see who seems the most nervous. "The honor of performing your first surgery is reserved for the intern who shows the most promise…" Meredith pauses dramatically here. Honestly, it doesn't really matter who she picks… but for a second, she relishes the glances between the interns. "Dr. Wilson, congratulations, you're scrubbing in," she says before walking away.

She has to admit the young intern sort of reminds her of Lexie. Maybe that's why she picked her. But Meredith shoves the thought aside as she heads to the OR. Once she completes this, she'll be heading to the courthouse. She can't allow herself to think too far ahead.

She double checks the patient's chart and labs, and slides on her OR covers and scrubcap. When she enters the scrub room, Dr. Wilson is just behind her. Meredith knows she should be more friendly, more teacher-like, but she just can't. Not today. There's too much happening. Derek's been called in on a procedure, his first since the crash. She has to testify, and Mark… Meredith swallows.

It's just too much.

"Dr. Grey?" Wilson asks, "I read that in most cases, laproscopic removal of the appendix is recommended as the risk of complication-

"We're doing it open, because at this moment, the chance is high that the appendix could burst. It's much easier to clean the infection if this is the case, got it?"

"Uh, yes, Dr. Grey." Wilson replies as she finishes scrubbing.

"Good, now stop sucking up." Meredith snaps.

She backs through the door and into the OR. The scrub nurses towel off her still wet hands and gown her as she takes her position. Dr. Wilson joins her a minute later. Meredith can hear the low hum of conversation from the gallery. She sighs, the intercom is on. Again, she's thrown into the past, remembering George's turn for the intern appy. He should be here, doing this, Meredith thinks, sighing. Her thoughts drift to Lexie again, then Derek, who's in OR 2 right now. And then… She shakes her head. Stop it. Stop thinking. Stop.

 _There's no way she'll pull this off._

 _She might as long as she doesn't look at Medusa_

 _Medusa's face will calcify her._

 _Do you think Medusa's always been Medusa?_

 _Probably, I heard her mom was way worse._

Meredith says nothing, concentrating on the thin slice of the blade as Dr. Wilson makes her first incision.

 _Yeah, but that doesn't give her an excuse to act like a demon from the depths of hell itself._

Meredith figures she has plenty of reasons to act like a demon. She glares up at them.

 _It's like she can hear us…_

 _Yeah, see that red light… the intercom is on._ Owen says.

"I don't think that you're a demon," Wilson says.

Meredith doesn't have time for this. She doesn't want to be here. "Focus on what you're doing," she advises coolly.

It's slow going. The intern is barely making it through. "Okay, appendix is out." There's a clang as the clamp hits the stainless steel bowl. The appendix might be out, but that's barely half the surgery.

"What's next Wilson?" Meredith growls.

"Uh…" the nervousness comes off the girl in waves, "Now I invert the stump into the cecum…" But Wilson's hand slips, ripping the tender flesh wide open "Oh, no!"

"Okay, you ripped the cecum wide open, what's next?" Meredith already knows what to do, she's miles ahead and she finds it infuriating waiting for her intern to catch up. "Wilson!"

"Uh…" bile and pus escape the cecum into the abdominal cavity as Wilson stares blankly.

"Go in there and grab your purse strings!" she yells. Little red warning lights go off in Meredith's brain. _Danger, danger…_ But Wilson does nothing.

Meredith bumps the intern out of the way. "Move!" she yells, grabbing the purse strings. "Clamp!" the tool is slapped into her palm and she goes to work. "Irrigation… let's go, let's go" the world fades. Her intern and the gallery slip away and it's just her and the body she's fixing. For the next twenty minutes, everything feels right and whole once more.

She's about to close when she remembers she's not alone. "Here," she hands over the needle. "You can close."

"Wha- I…"

"You _can_ close, right?"

"Uh… yes… um, thank you ."

"Ugh," Meredith huffs and pulls away from the table. As she scrubs out, she remembers Derek is in OR 2, so as soon as she finishes, she pokes her head in across the hall.

But he's not there. Nelson is instead, which means Derek's attempt failed. "Dammit," she mutters. Meredith sighs and leans against the wall. She closes her eyes. Lexie is dead. Mark is dying… she can't reach Cristina… Alex is leaving for Hopkins, and Derek's hand is likely still messed up…

And she'll be testifying about the worst moment of her life in less than two hours.

She wants to disappear, she wants to fall apart. Meredith leans against the wall and sucks in air. She can't. She can't fall apart.

"That was mean," Dr. Wilson exits the scrub room, glaring at her. "It was a total set-up, wasn't it?"

Meredith blinks, thrown off guard. She shakes her head, she can't talk right now.

But Wilson remains there, staring at her, tears in her eyes. "Is this about the plane crash? I heard-,"

"Oh, you heard what? Someone lost a leg? Someone died… or almost died… Is that why I'm Medusa?" Meredith scoffs.

"Uh-," Jo stammers.

"I was trying to teach you what it takes. It wouldn't have mattered who I picked, the point was to show you you're not ready," Meredith huffs. "None of you are." Meredith blinks back images of Lexie under a plane… Mark trying to lift it off. Cristina, right in her face, yelling at her to stay awake. Arizona staring morbidly at her leg. She can still feel the smooth cold skin of Derek's forearm as she weaves a safety pin through it. "You have a life in your hands. You don't get to fall apart, you can't freeze. If you want to be a surgeon, you have to be strong. Now cry somewhere else, where I won't see you."

Chastened, Jo turns and leaves.

Meredith breathes a sigh of relief and sags against the wall. She just wants this day to be over.

xxx

She finds Derek in the attendings lounge, standing in front of mirror, flexing his hand. "I thought… I…" he sighs, frustrated. Meredith wraps him in a hug."And Mark…" His sigh blusters against her shoulder.

"I know," she whispers.

"Are you okay?" He rubs her back in slow circles.

"I just want it to be over," she croaks, trying not to cry.

"Hmm," her husband kisses her cheek, then catches her upper lip in his. His palm brushes against her face and she melts into it, into him, for a moment's relief from the angst of the day. "Come on, we should get ready."

xxx

Meredith and Derek arrive at the courthouse early and head to wait outside the courtroom. She sees a familiar figure in the hall. Katie Black.

"Hey," Katie nods at them.

"Hi," Meredith says, feeling a ripple of strength from the woman's presence. Soon this will be all over.

"You can do this," she says.

"I know." Meredith replies. Derek's behind her, his hands on her shoulders. Meredith is so thankful that he's here. She needs him today. They sit on the bench to wait. "So…" Meredith licks her lips. "He's in there?" she asks Katie. 'He' as in William.

The agent nods. "Yes."

"Okay."

Katie's phone vibrates. "I have to take this, excuse me." She steps away, down the hall.

Meredith and Derek remain seated. Meredith rubs her thighs. It feels like the end of the world, but she knows it's not. She just has to get through this moment… and the next, and the one after that.

"Meredith Grey?" A woman approaches.

"Hm?" She looks up. Time to testify? Already?

"This is for you," the woman hands her a small white envelope.

"What?" she asks, but the woman is gone.

With a glance at Derek, she opens the envelope. There's a picture, and a handwritten message. Meredith barely has time to read it and absorb the picture before the door to the courthouse opens, and the Bailiff appears. "Meredith Grey? You've been called to the stand."

 **A/N:** What will happen next? Please Review!


	8. I'm here I love you

**A/N:** This story deals with some serious subject matter such as sexual assault, rape, teenage pregnancy and adoption... etc. As a writer who takes my craft seriously, I want you to know that I did research this the best I could, by reading biographical accounts of women who were raped and gave their children up, and numerous other adoption stories. Grey's Anatomy also addressed this in the episode 15x19, with Jo exploring her past.

I don't take this lightly. Every day people are assaulted by those who claim to love and care for them. Every day, people struggle to escape abuse and domestic violence, and every day, children are given up for adoption in hopes that they can have a better life elsewhere.

It is no doubt painful and traumatizing to go through such a thing. But I want to be clear: sexual assault is unwanted sexual contact. It can be a kiss, or a caress, or a grope... or more. Regardless if you are male or female, regardless of your state of mind, or the perpetrator's state of mind... (ie drinking) regardless of the 'circumstances'... If someone has harmed you in this way... take courage, and talk to someone about it. You can talk to a parent, or a teacher, or the police... or... call the sexual assault hotline in your country. And the sooner, the better.

People say, 'you're not a victim, you are a survivor..." I'd like to add to that... Champion yourself. That is, you must fight for yourself. Doing so, you also fight for others.

 **Mention of Rape in this Chap.**

xxx

She's aware of her rapid breaths and the panic rising in her chest. She needs oxygen.

"Meredith, Meredith..." Derek's holding her up, locking eyes with her. _You can do this,_ she feels him say. "Breathe. Deep breaths okay?"

Time slows... a minute feels like twenty, and it feels like an hour before she nods to Derek and he lets go. Breathing... who knew that would be so hard?

"I can do this," she croaks with a nod.

"Yes," Derek confirms, "I'll be in there with you."

"So will I," Katie suddenly appears beside her, "you know what to do."

Meredith thought she did, she thought she was ready, but the picture changes everything now. Gulping, she signals to the bailiff to open the door. Stiff and tense, she follows him and takes her place on the stand. She's sworn in, and the ADA faces her. They've met before, Assistant District Attorney Beauregard is a commanding and wise presence standing between her and William. She gives Meredith a moment to compose herself. Meredith does her best to ignore the crumpled and sweaty picture in her hand, she doesn't know what to do about it. All she knows is that she's terrified, and she has to put him away.

After a few introductory questions, they get closer to the event at hand. "You grew up in Boston?" Beauregard asks.

"Y-yes," Meredith nods, knowing what's next.

"Do you know this man?"

There's William, sitting oh so casually at the defence table, dressed in a navy blue suit with a pink striped tie... Did the lawyers put him up to that? Meredith wonders. He looks up, and she freezes.

 _You? You're nothing but a slut._

 _She's pressed up against the wall. He towers over her, gripping her jaw._

"Meredith?"

Beyond him, she sees movement. A head nod. Derek. His gaze bleeds with love and support. _I'm here._ _I love you._ Meredith imagines being wrapped in her husband's arms, the way they were this morning. He is the only man who makes her feel safe. "Yes," she answers finally.

"Yes, you know William Wright?" Beauregard clarifies.

Meredith's gaze drifts back to William, whose upper lip curls snidely at her. "Yes," she continues, tearing herself from William's black-hole gaze to focus back on the ADA. "We met at a frat party."

"And you were still in high school?"

"I was a senior, yes." Meredith replies. The questions continue. Meredith's mouth is dry. Her hands tremble as her past is laid bare for all to see. Describing her rape to the jury feels like she's living it all over again. Her bones ache, her lower body throbs uncomfortably, and the shame burns inside and out.

"What happened when you woke up?"

William Wright stares intently at her, a finger on his temple, like he's trying to send her a message. Meredith closes herself off, crossing her arms. For a second, she loses sight of Derek, lost in her memories... but on the other side of the courtroom, she sees Katie's encouraging nod. It's enough."I woke up... at a clinic. Because of my injuries, and my age, the staff called the police."

"Which injuries were those?"

 _He shoves her back against the wall. Bam! She pushes against him, but he yanks her pants down, pins her hands overhead. He's tall, strong... She can't stop him from slamming inside her over and over and over again._

"Bruises," Meredith says, "O-on my wrists, my back... my thighs."

"What did you tell the police?"

Truth? Meredith wishes she'd been strong enough some fifteen years ago. But- she didn't know how. Her eighteen year-old self was terrified to tell the truth, and vastly... deeply ashamed. "I didn't tell them anything."

"Nothing?"

 _She staggers into her jeans, batting away the nurse. "I'm fine," she says. "Nothing happened. It's nothing."_

" _The police are here," says the nurse, "would you like to speak to them?"_

" _No. No... nothing happened." Frantic, she grabs the hoodie she came in with and slides it on. "I told you. I just need to go home." If the police got involved, her mother would find out and... How could she be so stupid? Don't date college guys from frat parties. Lesson learned. Move on._

Too ashamed to look at Derek this time, Meredith stares ahead at the big brown double doors she came in through,"I just wanted to go home."

"Looking back now, do you wish you had spoken to the police?"

All the what-if's... all the wishes branch out before her... She would have had a whole other life, if she had the courage then. But she didn't.

Ellis Grey never taught her courage. Brashness, ferocity... passion, yes. But courage? Meredith recalls her mother's upset cry at the carousel, the blood on the floor of her old kitchen... Eighteen-year old Meredith knew hard work, knew fire... she was fearless in many respects. But courage? The courage to admit her weakness, shame, fear? Courage to speak up? She must find it. Past ADA Beauregard, past William Wright, is her husband. His gaze is powerful, strong... safe. He believes in her.

"Yes," she responds. "I wish I had the courage then... Now I do."

"Thank you. No further questions, your honor." Upon the ADA's retreat, Meredith is left alone on the stand, staring out at the jury.

Buttoning his suit jacket, the defence attorney rises. "I'll keep this short," he says, pacing the floor. "You were eighteen when this happened?"

Meredith swallows, "yes."

"And you came to him?"

"Yes."

He stops in front of her, "it was a party, correct?"

"Um... yeah." Where is he going with this line of questioning? Meredith wonders. Cold seeps through her suit jacket, her skin prickles with goosebumps.

"So you were expecting sex?"

"What?" It throws her off guard so completely, she almost forgets where she is.

The defence attorney is right in front of her. "Why else would you want to be with your boyfriend? I mean, you _met_ at such a party a month ago..."

"Well yes, but-"

"Weren't you at a party like this just the week before?"

A week before? She tries to think back, but besides that one night, it's all a blurred mess. "Um-"

"Objection!" Beauregard bursts out of her chair. "Speculative and irrelevent to the events at hand."

"Mr. Caswell, get to the point," orders the judge.

Caswell loosens the knot of his tie, then runs his fingers down the sleek fabric. "The point is, you wanted to have _fun_ with my client. Of the intimate variety... have some drinks... make out... and maybe have sex."

She shoots a look to Beauregard, _I have to answer this asshole?_ The ADA nods.

"Maybe," Meredith grits, "if he hadn't been with someone else. Maybe, if I consented. But I didn't. He pushed me-"

Caswell waves a hand dismissively,"-Maybe it got a little out of control... we all know what happens at frat parties..." He steps closer to her. "When you got home, two officers arrived to follow up on your report. They asked specifically if you wanted to press charges. What did you tell them?"

"I-" All she sees is William leaning back in his chair, fingers steepled smugly in front of him. His mere presence sends her for a ride on the PTSD-go-round. Dizzy, all she sees is him, sliding into place, over and over while the rest of the world spun on.

"Dr. Grey, what did you tell the police when they came to your door?"

"I told them... I told them nothing happened." Because if she said it often enough, she'd believe it and then it'd go away.

But it never did, did it? It's five feet away. Behind a table and a pink striped tie. It's the sweaty crumpled picture in her hand that makes her want to have convulsions.

"Nothing happened..." Mr. Caswell repeats, "thank you, that will be all."

It takes a second for her to realize that they're done with her and she can leave. She stands up, surprised her legs still work and forces them to take her down the middle of the courtroom. Tears break through and smear the edges of her vision. Meredith's strong countenance is faltering, breaking. Nothing happened? That's the worst lie she ever told, and now she's paying for it, and other people have already paid for it.

Solid oak doors give way, Meredith is out. _Clack- clack, clack clack,_ her heels echo on tile. Don't look back, he might be right behind you and- he could- he's-

"Meredith!"

Breathe! Gasping, she staggers. When strong arms catch her, panic rises to fear she can't control. She struggles against the firm grip. "Please," she begs aloud. He speaks, his breath against her ear, but she hears nothing but ringing. "No!"

"Meredith," he wraps around her even tighter and she can't move. It's his scent that pulls her back to now. Spice, musk, and the thin veil of sweat and salt that is uniquely Derek. The Derek who made love to her this morning, the Derek who gave her Zola. The Derek who makes her feel safe. Her husband, Derek. Meredith lets go, sobbing uncontrollably into his chest. He sighs, the soft rumble from his throat soothing her as she finally falls apart.

Through the tears, she notices Agent Black behind them, and she remembers the picture. Meredith sniffs, wipes her face with her sleeve and steps back from him. "I um... I'll just be a minute."

She approaches Katie, fumbling with the picture in her hand. Quietly, she explains what happened just before she got on the stand. The agent is shocked and concerned, asking questions Meredith has no answers for. Reluctantly, Meredith is forced to hand the picture over to her, and Katie strides back into the courtroom.

"What was that?" Derek asks.

"Nothing for you to worry about," she says, looking at his watch. "We should go." It's almost five o'clock.

xxx

Meredith is in a wierd blank space of thought and feelings. There's nothing left for her to express right now. But she knows Derek is struggling. Mark...

Surgeons are fighters. They are fixers. They go in with a plan and try and make it work. Most of the time, odds are in their favor. Most of the time, it's a simple fix. A tweak here, a stitch there. Sometimes it's complicated, and the odds suck. But when the patient is on the table, they're choosing the fight. They know the risks, the danger, the possibility of death. The surgeon is ready for that too.

But Mark? Derek is losing his friend today. He's losing decades of friendship because of a stupid plane crash. Her right cheek is cold and damp from resting her head against the window of Derek's Porsche as they drive back to the hospital, but she sees Derek's somber countenance as he stares out at the road, lost in thought. He's losing his brother, and it's inevitable. Removing someone from life support is... It's defeat. It's admitting there is nothing further to be done. That's the worst feeling for a surgeon. _For anyone._ It's an appointment with death.

This past week, today... Derek's been her safe place, her net. He's been everything she needed, and she'd been unable to give much back. But now she can try. She reaches across the console and covers his hand with hers, stroking the tops of his knuckles with her thumb. _I'm here. I love you._ Derek's breath hitches. He expells a long sigh. Still looking at the road, he acknowledges her touch with an almost imperceptible nod. _I know,_ he seems to say.

She'll tell him about the picture later... after Mark...

She'll tell him later, she thinks, squeezing his hand. His thoughts shouldn't be about her right now. And he'd freak if he saw that picture.

It's a picture of her daughter, and the adoptive mother she chose for her. Her daughter looks just like her. And her daughter looks happy too... Meredith wants to be happy for the young teenager, but she can't. Standing beside her daughter and adoptive mother, smiling broadly at the camera, is William Wright.

The message, scribbled on the back?

 _You have to save her._

But how?


	9. Daddy Sad?

**A/N:** See that wasn't too long was it?

 **Enjoy!**

It's five o'clock.

Derek has never seen Mark look so small before. He's always been bigger than life, but now... he sighs and squeezes his friend's cold limp hand. It's time. Derek knew it was coming, but with everything going on with Meredith, he didn't have to face it.

The respirator hums and machines click and buzz. He glances at Callie as she takes her place by Mark's head. The door slides open and Richard enters along with Meredith. She stops at the foot of the bed, lips pressing into a frown, eyes downcast.

Her presence is unexpected and he's grateful. He reaches for her.

"After I stop his medication, I'm going to extubate him," Richard says.

"Hey, we're all doctors here, you don't need to say this-" Callie starts.

"-I'm not saying it because you need to know the procedure- I say it because even if you think you're prepared for what's about to happen, you're not. Your brain can't fully absorb what we're about to do. But by saying this, I'm giving you a little time to catch up... So, after I stop his medications, I'm going to extubate him," Richard begins.

Richard is right, and despite Derek's many years of medical training, despite having giving this speech himself to the loved ones of many patients, Richard's words blur into a soft vibrato. The world around him fades as he stares at his dying best friend.

Suddenly Derek misses Mark more than ever.

Mark stole his comic books, beat him in high school basketball tryouts. But he also defended Derek from school bullies and set him up with his first serious girlfriend.

Mark was a significant part of his life. When his father died, Mark was there. When he wanted to marry Addison, he was there. He was the best man at the wedding... Even though Mark betrayed him, eventually Derek moved past it. Somehow, he knew... If he lost everything else, he would at least have Mark.

Have.

Mark always understood him, always got him. Even if he didn't agree with Derek, he was always on his side. Derek feels the future slipping out of his grasp, and he shudders.

A sniff pulls him out of his reverie. Callie.

It's done. The tubes have been pulled, the lines and leads disconnected. Mark is pale and still, unmoving except for his ragged breaths.

"We've sedated him with morphine so he's not feeling any of this," Richard explains. "I'll give you some privacy," he says and leaves.

Now it hits him. Derek feels breathless, dazed. Mark is dying. His organs are failing at this moment. It's only a matter of time before the monitors register his last breath, his last heartbeat. It's only a matter of time before he ceases to be a part of Derek's life forever.

Meredith gently guides him to a chair on the other side of the bed. He nods a thank you and reaches for Mark's hand again.

Time to wait.

After a while, Meredith's hand slips out of his. She wipes her eyes and sniffs loudly, drawing his attention. "Are you all right?" he asks.

"I'm okay," she whispers. "We were all just trying so hard, to keep him alive..." Meredith said. "We just thought- if we got him back here alive-" She shakes her head.

Derek closes his eyes, the desperate moments of the plane crash experience flashing through his mind. It's almost too much. Seeing Mark now, Derek knows he's not in any pain. He knows there's nothing more to be done. But- he doesn't want to lose him. He still needs him.

Meredith's hand is on his thigh and he pats it, but he can feel her shaking with grief and pain. She's relieving the plane crash too. "Mere-"

"I-" She sits up, wiping her eyes, trying to be strong. For him.

"-It's okay. You can go. Call Cristina..." He squeezes.

"But-"

"Thank you for being here," Derek kisses her cheek. "It's been a long day. It's okay if you want to take a break. Call Cristina," he urges, "it's okay."

"I love you," she says with a sigh. "I'm sorry. I can't-" she stands up abruptly. "I'm going to the airport- I'm going to see Cristina."

Derek watches her go and then turns back to Mark. The monitor beeps, signaling a drop in Mark's heart rate. Hand on his shoulder, he waits.

xxx

It's 8:26.

Mark's heart goes into V-fib. Derek forces his eyes from the screen. A sob forms in his throat. It's really happening. He meets Callie's gaze. By her dispirited expression, she's thinking the same thing.

This is it.

"I love you Mark," she whispers tearfully. "It's okay, you can go now. Go be with Lexie. She loves you."

The V-fib continues for a few more seconds, and then...

Mark exhales for the last time.

Flatline.

Mark always had to be the first, Derek thinks. But he never thought he would be the first to die. Not like this. He leans back in his chair. It's over. Mark's gone. Hot tears burn his cheeks, and he shakes, trying not to cry. He's really gone.

Callie weeps on Mark's shoulder. Derek's vaguely aware of Richard entering the room. He quietly calls time of death. 8:28 pm. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees the monitor turned off. Time stops.

Callie's crying is now just loud sniffling.

Death. It's all so...

His cheeks burn with sorrow and anger. With loss and the unfairness of it all. He clenches his bad hand. They were in a plane crash. Mark is dead. Derek might not ever operate again. He might not ever save a life again.

It's all so... _fucked_ up.

He struggles to his feet, strides out of the room, But he's caught by powerful arms. Bailey.

"Hey," she says.

"Bailey, I-" he starts, but she crushes all the words out of him with a hug. "Oh," he wraps his arms around her too. A fresh release of tears spring out, his heart aches again.

"Mark Sloan..." Bailey says, "was a good man. He was a _good_ man." She squeezes him. "He was a _good_ friend."

"Yes," Derek swallows, "he was." He pulls back. "Thank you Miranda... I-" so many thoughts run through his head, so many emotions consume his being. He's grateful, he's sad, he's angry, he's frustrated. He's suddenly lonely. "I have to go."

He doesn't remember how he got home... it's all autopilot. He opens the door to his house, greets and dismisses the sitter, and pours himself a glass of scotch. The house is quiet. Zola's been put to bed. Meredith is gone.

Derek needs company tonight. He dials Meredith but it goes right to voicemail. Gritting his teeth, he tosses his phone on the couch and takes a swig of scotch. It burns his throat, and he gasps.

He's alone.

Derek paces. He should eat, but has no appetite. The scotch just makes him miss Mark more. He could go to bed, but he's not tired.

Derek wanders to Zola's room and leans against the doorframe. Zola is a big dark bump in her new toddler bed, but her eyes twinkle. She's awake. "Hi," he whispers. Her gaze follows him as he approaches the pink princess bed.

"Da," one little hand escapes her blanket, reaching for him in the darkness.

"Hi princess," he kisses her forehead. Her finger pokes him, then her hand wraps around his nose and squeezes. Automatically, Derek sticks his tongue out. Zola's giggle is magical. She tries to push his tongue back in, but he doesn't let her. It's part of the game.

"Bey," he says, "can yeh pub my tung bick in? Ith thicking outh."

Zola giggles louder. "Daaaddy!" she laughs. Her tiny hands grip his tongue and his cheeks as she tries to push it back in. But it doesn't work. Zola sits up on her knees and tries again.

"Ith nob erking," says Derek. He picks up Zola's hand and puts it on his nose. "Here, thkeethe my nob. Theekthe id."

Somehow Zola understands and squeezes his nose. Instantly, Derek's tongue goes right back in. "Oh, thank you so much for fixing that. I was afraid-" With a grin, Zola squeezes his nose again, and out goes Derek's tongue "-id mide meber geb pixed- Oh mo, Bola!"

Zola's boisterous laughter pushes away Derek's sadness. Her little hands, bright eyes, and toothy grin are just what he needs right now. He can't help but pick her up and hug her tightly.

"Pay?" she asks. "Daddy pay?"

"You wanna play?"

"Pay tea?"

"Tea party?"

"Tea pawty!" She claps her hands.

Derek carries her into the living room. It's almost ten o'clock, but he doesn't care. He pulls out the toddler chairs and table while Zola tosses toys from her toybox, searching for her tea set.

With a lot of help and coaching, it's all arranged. Zola pours him a cuppa and he accepts it graciously. "Why thank you Zo," he slurps pretend tea and rubs his belly. "Mmm, yummy!"

"Yummy," Zola mimics him almost exactly, then pours him another cup. "Tea?"

"Yes, please. Can you pass the sugar?"

"Sug," Zola hands him the plastic sugar jar.

He scoops pretend sugar into his cup. "Thank you."

"Tank you."

This goes on for a while... Zola rarely gets tired of tea time. But despite the distraction, Derek can't hide his sadness. Eventually his daughter notices. She's right in his face, her hands on his cheeks. "Daddy sad?" she asks.

Zola's question brings him back to reality. His best friend is gone. Derek's throat is tight, he sniffs, and his eyes water. "Yes," he answers honestly. "I'm sad."

Zola's little brown hands wipe his tears. She takes off her tiara and puts it on his head. "Princess," she says.

"Oh," he replies, surprised.

And then she hugs him.

xxx

It's a little after eleven when he hears the jingle of keys in the doorknob, Meredith's familiar sigh and the 'plunk' of her purse as she drops it by the door. She doesn't see him in the big chair with sleeping Zola in his arms, and continues to the kitchen where she pulls a glass from the cupboard and fills it with tap water. Drinking half of it, she turns around and almost drops the glass on the floor when she sees him. "Oh my God, you scared me!"

"Sorry," Derek whispers.

"It's okay," Meredith tiptoes over to the big chair and sits on the ottoman. "She's asleep?"

"Yeah, serving tea is a tiring job," he gestures with a glance at the tea table, covered in empty tea cups, saucers and spoons. "But she's good company."

"I'm sorry... I wanted to stay with you, but-"

"Lexie," Derek answers for her.

"I kept seeing her under the plane, and Mark... and-"

"I know."

Meredith nods. She pulls her legs up and rests her head on her knees. "You're wearing a tiara," she smirks.

"Oh," Derek reaches up, feeling the cheap plastic crown in his hair. He'd forgotten about that. "Well, Zola said if I couldn't operate again, she had a position open for princess. I was just... job shadowing."

Meredith snorts, "I love her so much."

"Yeah, me too." Derek agrees.

Instead of putting Zola in her own bed, they carry her to theirs. They need the extra love tonight.

xxx

Derek opens his eyes to darkness and rolls toward the center of the bed. Zola is still there, spread eagle beside him, fast asleep, but Meredith is gone. He covers Zola up and gets up, following a stream of light from the den in the hallway.

He finds her rummaging through boxes, tossing papers and books haphazardly to the side, creating quite the mess.

"Mere?" he pads into the room. "What are you doing?" he asks sleepily.

"I'm trying to find her adoption papers."

"Zola's?"

"My baby's. I know my mom kept them somewhere..."

He rubs her back. He wants to help her, but he's too tired, too drained. "It's late. You should get some sleep."

"I can't. I... it's-"

"What?" He pulls her around to face him.

Meredith bites her lip. "It's William. He knows her. I have to find her, I have to make sure she's safe."

 **A/N:** More to come! Please **Review!**


	10. Butterflies

**A/N** : Another update for you all! For those of you interested in my work, **A  
Fight to Remember**…Tune in the week of Greys Anatomy Season 16 premiere… I  
have big things planned!

Anyway,

 **Enjoy!**

 **15 Years Ago:  
**  
Meredith sits beside her mother in the waiting room of the adoption agency. The room is a soft turquoise blue, the walls decorated with 8x10 framed pictures of flowers. She hates it. It feels cheap and insincere. _Welcome to the office where you're going to sign your baby away... enjoy this ten dollar picture of a flower while you wait.  
_  
A lone pregnant teen stares at her. Her bloated belly and swollen breasts stretch the seams of her insane pink and white tie-dye T-shirt and peek out the bottom, exposing blue veins, stretch marks, and an 'outie' belly button. At this point, it seems to Meredith the girl might give birth by the time she's done her appointment. But what's worse than all that is the glazed apathy in her eyes. Worn down, worn out, resigned to her fate.

Meredith's gaze shifts to her own fingers. She nervously tucks them into  
the pouch of her baggy Duran Duran hoodie. It's nearly impossible to tell she's pregnant, the way it hangs off her body, but underneath, there's a definite bump now. A reminder. This is real. Not just some dream she can shake off in the morning. She's growing a baby. Her mother tells her it should be moving soon. Rolling. Kicking inside her. Shuddering, Meredith forces herself not to think about how she ended up in this situation. William. What he did to her.

The office door opens and closes. Another pregnant belly walks by. Someone speaks, but she's lost in the past, overwhelmed. "Meredith... Meredith!" Ellis jerks her out of her reverie, and she's pulled unwillingly into the agent's office.

It's just like the waiting room. Cheap. Fake. Insincere. But real pictures of families adorn the walls this time. Whole families... Mothers and fathers and two-point five children... well not the point five part, unless you count the dog. But happy smiling families.

"Hello, I'm Mrs. Galbraith. I'll be handling your case," says the case manager. She's younger than her mother, with a soft round face and warm brown eyes.  
Carol Galbraith, the name plate on her desk states.

Still, Meredith regards her dully. She doesn't want to be here. She doesn't want to do this... Any of it. But there's no choice. A few months from now... the baby will come... and then what?

Carol flips through the paperwork they'd filled out earlier. "Were you able to contact the father?"

"The father is not in the picture," Ellis says sternly.

Carol looks over at Meredith, "Do you know who the father is? Does he know you are pregnant?"

Meredith shakes her head. Shame seeps into her bones, her skin flushes. She hasn't seen or talked to William since that night... She's avoided the campus and any of her friends that know him even remotely.

"Like I said," Ellis says, "He's not in the picture. He cannot know about the pregnancy…. Meredith's safety is at risk," she adds, at which Meredith flashes a stark look at her mother. Ellis responds with a death glare.

"Ms. Grey," Carol begins-

"-Doctor Grey," Ellis interjects, as if her title means something in this situation. Meredith rolls her eyes, exasperated.

Carol folds her hands on the desk. "Dr. Grey, Can I speak to Meredith alone for a moment?"

"She's barely out of high school. She cannot handle this on her own."

"Perhaps, but she is eighteen, and this is her pregnancy, her baby. She'll do what she wants, regardless."

"That's what got her into this mess," Ellis mutters. "I'll  
be in the car Meredith." She leaves, banging the door behind her.

Her mother gone, breath Meredith never knew she held escapes in a shuddering sigh. Carol walks around the desk and takes her mother's vacant seat. "Are you alright?"

No one has asked her that before. These last few weeks with her mom have  
been... stressful. They hardly speak about anything except the baby and her mother's schedule, and what she can or cannot do. Her mother 'helps' by basically running her life, making sure she eats and takes care of herself, but at the same time, she seems disnterested in her emotional well-being. All Meredith has done for a month and a half is sit at home, trying not to think... about the baby, about the future, about... anything.

Meredith just stares...

She shouldn't be pregnant.

She should be packing for Harvard. She should be at her friend's house, downing tequila shots, saying goodbye to high school. She should be shopping for clothes and perusing new college texts. But she graduated with a measly 3.95 GPA and her application to Harvard was revoked. Not that she wants to go there anyway, not anymore. She could still go to another college, but Ellis insists that she post-pone college altogether until the baby is born...

"I'm fine," Meredith sits up in her chair. "Um... do I need to fill out more papers?" she asks, fighting the urge to cry.

"No," Carol says. "Meredith, the reason I asked for this meeting was so Icould get to know you and what you want. You're eighteen weeks along, it's still early. Do you want to do this?"

Does she want to give the baby up? Meredith can't picture handing over something formed in her body to someone else to raise, despite the circumstances of conception."I..." Meredith shakes her head, falling back in time to that night at the frat party. Her cheeks burn with shame, not only of her violation, but that the consequences run farther and deeper than she ever imagines. Every time she thinks about what's growing in her... she remembers that sickening night.

How could she keep it? How would she raise it? Would she resent the child like her mother resented her?

Hand on her stomach, she looks at the family pictures on Carol's desk. Carol's family. A father, mother. Three happy kids. A dog. That will never be her, Meredith realizes. She never had that, she'll probably never be able to re-create it. "I can't," she blurts. "I can't keep it. I don't want to," yet her heart aches hearing each syllable. "So there," she fights back tears. "Now you know what I want."

"Okay," Carol softly touches her knee. "Are you sure there isn't anyone-"

"No! There's no one!" Meredith bolts from her chair. "I didn't want sex, and I certainly didn't want a baby! My whole life is screwed up!" Swiping tears from her eyes, she adds, "I don't want the baby's life to be screwed up too." Meredith struggles to keep herself in check. She won't cry. She can't.

But Carol's arms find their way around her, and the physical contact breaks through her weak walls. Meredith cries. "It must be very terrifying to think about the future right now." Carol releases Meredith, and they sit down.

"Yeah," she manages. She's petrified, scared beyond belief. She's having a baby. In a few months, it's going to have to come out and she doesn't want to face that kind of pain.

And then she'll be giving the baby to someone else...

And she doesn't want to face _that_ kind of pain.

Carol reaches for a stack of papers on the desk. "These are some families that would like to adopt. There's no pressure... take some time to think about your baby's future with one of them. Maybe it won't seem so scary."

The stack of papers is heavy, but somehow reassuring. It's a start. This many people want a baby. Maybe the one in her now. "Thank you," she sniffs.

"I'll see you in a few weeks," Carol rises and opens the door.

Exiting, Meredith sees the pregnant teen again in a different light. The girl is not the defeated person she thought she was. She _does_ care, she's just trying not to... Because it's gonna hurt. Walking past, she catches her gaze. Smoothing her hoodie, Meredith makes out the shape of her baby bump in plain view.

Solidarity.

xxx

"What's all that?" her mother asks, indicating the stack of papers in her arms as Meredith collapses into the passenger seat.

"Um, just some families to go through," Meredith runs her fingers along the edge of the papers, feeling her mother's gaze on her. When she sees her mother's eyes, there's a flicker of something... Sad. Haunting. "What?"

Ellis blinks, and it all disappears. "Nothing... Let's go home, do you feel like pizza?"

They drive through downtown, and Meredith catches a glimpse of the waterfront. Her mind flies, soars to some place she thought was far away, but seems much closer now. She bites her lip, dread filling every pore, "Mom?"

"Yes?"

"Have you- did you ever hear from... Thatcher?"

"I wouldn't waste your time on that man, Meredith. He's useless," she says, voice cold.

Meredith's not exactly sure of this. She remembers him helping her in the morning... pouring her cereal, getting her ready for daycare. She has vague memories of him playing with her in the park. He might not be useless... Maybe... he can help her somehow.

When they get home, Ellis hands her a twenty dollar bill and instructs her to order pizza with extra vegetables before she retires to the den to work on some kind of medical trial.

After ordering the pizza, Meredith takes the phone and sits on the step. She dials 411 and talks to the operator who connects her to Seattle.

Her heart pounds faster with every ring. One, two... on the third ring, it's picked up. An older woman's voice answers. "Hello, Grey residence?"

Meredith swallows. Right. Of course there'd be someone else in his life after all this time... but she's frozen and can't speak. "Hello?" the woman asks. "Hello, is anyone there?"

But she has to do this... she owes it to the baby, to herself, to try. "Hi, um... is Thatcher there?" Meredith asks, unconsciously rubbing her  
stomach.

"I'm sorry, he's at work..." The sweet soft voice, and the obvious sound of daytime soaps in the background makes Meredith queasy with a strange jealousy. "He'll be home in a couple hours, can I take a message?"

Meredith's not sure she can go through this again. And what if he calls and her mother answers? Wouldn't that be awesome?

Suddenly she doesn't want him involved. He has his own life... Maybe he has kids...what is she thinking? He's never been there for her before, why would he do so now? She can't just  
barge into his life.

Meredith turns the phone over and ends the call.  
xxx

It's past dinnertime, Meredith's stuffed with pizza and sits indian style on her bed with the stack of potential families for the baby in front of her.

With a sigh she picks up the first paper clipped and stapled file.

The first are an older couple, the husband is a news editor and the wife an accountant. Boring occupations, but they live in a nice neighborhood, and the baby wouldn't lack for anything. The next family looks warm and caring with a dog and a 12 year-old son... Over the next few minutes, Meredith peruses the files with growing interest.

It's helping, she realizes. She's beginning to imagine the baby living and growing up in these homes, surrounded by these families that could love and care for it. She still feels a long way from any sort of decision, but skimming to the last family, the smiling woman catches her eye. The picture is different. Impromptu. Not staged or posed like all the others. The woman is caught drying her hands with a dishtowel, dark brown hair pulled in a messy bun. She smiles like she's greeting an old friend. Behind her, her tall, athletic husband, wearing simple T-shirt and shorts, is caught leaning in to kiss her temple.

Meredith stares, captivated as she reads the profile. Alan is a phys-ed teacher… Rachel a teacher and an artist... There's an old dog... Possible grandparents. She feels butterflies in her belly just thinking about her baby's future with them. She continues to read their profile, absently stroking her belly when suddenly she gasps.

The fluttering? It's not her stomach. It's her baby.

 **A/N:** Thanks for Reading! Please **Review!**


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